Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A History of Sex

The other Fred, publisher of several other blogs I read, did a recent post about the history of his masturbation.  For whatever reasons, I found it fascinating.  Perhaps because I think I shared some part of his story, and beyond that I think most men share in it as well.  I thought it would make an interesting post here if i did a similar background story.  I intend to be completely honest and open in telling my story.  Some of this may bore you and other parts will be downright unsexy, but I feel they need to be told so you can have a complete picture of my history.  Even with the anonymity of the internet protecting me, I still feel some fear in doing this.  In fact I can't really think of another time when I felt so much trepidation at making a post, perhaps this is too close to me, too intimate and raw.  So with a deep breath; here I am naked to all.

Let's see, I can definitely recall as a small child discovering that my cock was very sensitive and could be a source of physical pleasure.  I remember rubbing it on soft things, like stuffed animals or my blanket.  Years later of course I discovered the orgasm.  I had my first orgasm before I could even produce cum (or knew what it was).  I recall hiding out in the bathroom and masturbating to a powerful orgasm, where it seemed every muscle in my body was contracting and pulsing.

From that day on, orgasms became my drug of choice.  I would look forward to cumming every day after school.  Living in a big city, there is was an abundance of liquor stores where I would be able to purchase or sometimes steal a porno mag.  I also found a few sticking out of mailboxes on my paper route (sorry whoever you were).  My buddy at the time got his hands on a bag of porn once and I remember splitting the contents with him.  The magazines in it were old and lot of the pics were actually black and white, but I didn't care, it had nice pics of naked pretty girls.  I was hooked on porn and jacking off!  A lot my friends and classmates were experimenting with drugs or getting into their parents liquor cabinets, but not me, I chose the orgasm as my escape.

Even as a child I can recall being strongly attracted to females; teachers, my friends mothers and sisters etc.  I think I got my first Playboy in maybe around 5th grade or so, swiping it from a small corner store near my house. I do remember checking out my friend's dad's old Playboys in his garage and reading the Penthouse forum stories from a magazine another friend had found somewhere.  At the time I didn't understand half the stuff that was said in the stories, but it turned me on anyway.  Sometimes I'd go over to my friend's house and he'd show me his perverted stuff, porno mags and such.  I remember one time when there was three of us over there and we went in his room individually to supposedly jerk off, don't know why.  I didn't do it, but said I did to go along with everyone else.  Thinking back it was kind of weird actually, but I suppose it was just kids exploring their sexuality.

My first panties were a royal blue satin string bikini with a lace trim edge that I found on my paper route one day.  I must have been in 8th grade then.  I stuffed them in my pocket and when I got home I took them out and examined them closely.  It turned me on immensely having those.  I fantasized about the woman they belonged too ( I had no idea whose they actually were).  I remember I washed them in the bathroom sink, then dried them in front of the heater vent in my room.  I also remember trying them on and rubbing my cock on them as I jacked off to porno mags.  It was a major turn on thinking about my cock being where her pussy had been.  The physical sensation of the soft materials caused an escalation of my sexually, brought me to a higher level if you will.

In high school, I was still going to the liquor stores and getting porn.  My friends and I joked about jacking off as we still do now, it's an endless source of jokes for guys for pretty much your whole life it seems or at least mine so far.  My friends would occasionally bring a porno mag to school to show off.  I had done it too when I was younger, but I don't recall doing this in high school as I probably was too embarrassed to share.  Perhaps it was too personal, too revealing about what turned me on to be open about it, or maybe I didn't want others to know I was a raging hornball who jacked off.  I was extremely turned on by some of the girls at school, but I don't think I ever jacked off to fantasies about them, porn was always the thing that got me off.

This is about the same time when I saw my first porno movie.  I was probably in 8th or 9th grade at the time.  Someone's older brother had some pornos and we watched them at my friend's place.  I was fascinated and hooked immediately.  It would be a while before I actually got my own porno movies to watch though as there was no VCR in my house to play them on.

I lost my virginity in high school to a girl in the next grade up.  Although she wasn't a virgin, she was very innocent and very cute/pretty, the daughter of a minister.  She eventually moved away and that was the end of that.  Sex with her was very basic and not adventurous at all, but at that point in life you ain't gonna be complaining and quite frankly, although I wanted to do more, I really didn't know what I was missing yet.  Stupidly, we didn't even use protection so I'm lucky I didn't knock her up.  I remember leaving a cum stain on her car seat once and she told me that her mom spotted it and asked what it was, then she put some spit on her finger and tried to rub the stain out.  LOL!

Later, I liked a girl and somehow ended up with her friend (something that seems to be a recurring theme in my life).  The girl I liked was really cute and pretty, a petite thing.  The friend was not as pretty, but still attractive and had a great body, but she wasn't really my type.  She had been knocked up by her first boyfriend, a real prick, before I had known her, so she had some bad hang ups.  I think she worried about being seen as a slut.  She'd had an abortion and there were complications and she'd ended up having to go to the ER while on a trip with her friend and her friend's parents found out.  It was a big mess.  I always felt bad for her about that.

Sadly, I never really felt like I was in love with her, although I tried to convince myself otherwise many times.  Eventually, the writing was on the wall and I tried breaking up with her, but she was stuck to me like glue.  I finally broke it off after a long time and several attempts.  I never looked back when she and I parted.

Her parents had their own business that was barely above water, so they were working most of the time.  This allowed us to fuck after school, a lot.  It was with her that I finally got to do more of the things I'd seen in porn and read about.  Different positions, etc, but she still wouldn't go too far, probably worrying I'd think she was a slut.  If only she'd known that that was exactly what I wanted, a person who was fearless in bed, willing to go to any lengths in pursuit of pleasure.  I used to shower at her house after the deed and sometimes would end up wearing her panties home.  It turned me on a little but not like it would later in life.  She mostly had practical cotton panties, so that was probably a big part of why they didn't turn me on as much as they could have.  At this point in life I was definitely aware of sexy and non sexy lingerie.  She did own a pair of mauve colored satin and lace panties, probably the only really sexy pair of panties she owned and I used to request she wear them for me. Of course during our courtship, I continued my masturbation as well.  Looking back later I realized that at some point when things were over I may have been using her as a masturbation device, not caring so much about her pleasure, just wanting to get off.  It wasn't something I'd done on purpose at all, or maybe I just imagined it happened that way now.  Either way, I learned from that experience and try to always be conscious of my actions and not do that to any girl I'm with, always make it a shared experience, mutual pleasure if you will.

Just after high school, I got a delivery job.  It paid well and the manager was really friendly.  The guy gave me tons of attention and wanted to hang out with me off hours.  This is gonna sound completely stupid, but one night at his place I literally drank the koolaid.  He gave me some koolaid which unbeknownst to me was laced with something that got me messed up.  Then the asshole shoved his hands in my pants and felt me up.  I didn't resist.  I didn't know what to do.  I guess I'm lucky nothing else happened.  I quit the job the next day; for some reason I actually walked in and quit, what an idiot I am, anyone else would have just not shown up ever again, but not me.  It fucked with my head for a long time and took away my sex drive completely.  I didn't want sex from anyone.  I was angry, scared, freaked out and felt violated.  This is probably the first time I've ever really talked about it in any detail.  I've only told this twice, to two girlfriends and even then not with much detail.  They were understanding, but sometimes I wish I hadn't told them for fear that they might tell someone else.  I still feel weak and stupid for having let this happen to me.  If I hated molesters and rapists before this, my hatred and anger toward them grew ten fold.  I know I shouldn't blame myself, but for a man especially, this is extremely degrading.

In college I met the girl I probably should have married.  She was wonderful and made every second I was with her pure gold.  Oddly, once again, our relationship came from my ambitions of dating her room mate who was super hot and cute.  The room mate liked me, but this girl was crazy for me and I ended up with her.  I was glad when we were together though, she was very pretty, but not as overtly sexy as her room mate was, more girl next door pretty.  She won me over big time.

On the TV show "The Wonder Years", the mean older brother Wayne tells Kevin in perhaps his only tender moment, that the girl he loved made him a better person than he ever could be by himself.  I understand what he meant because that is exactly what she did for me. It might sound corny, but she really completed me.  I think that she was my first and only true love.  It most likely would not have worked out with her anyway, as I was a different person then, or at least I handled things differently then and I think I wasn't mature enough at the time to have been married.  During our time together, we had great chemistry, sexually and otherwise.  She made me laugh a lot and put me at ease.  She had an adventurous side and would rent porno movies at the video store (using her dad's rental card!).  She also enjoyed looking at my porno mags, although I still felt ashamed of them and hid them from her too.  Strange how hard it is to get rid of guilt and trust completely.  I guess, some part of me was still afraid that she'd leave if she knew how horny I was inside.  During the week I shared my place with a room mate, but the weekends were ours.  She lived at home with her parents, so she'd go home at night.  I'd often be unsatisfied and go down to the liquor store to get some porn and jack off after she'd left.  She used to buy sexy panties and lingerie because she knew how much I liked it and would even give me her used panties sometimes.  For a panty freak like me that was like getting crack!

Later, after I'd graduated, I moved back to my parents house in another city and was working a job that didn't really pay enough to make a living off of.  Eventually, she broke it off, the long distance thing was hard to maintain, but her still being in school made it harder, for her anyway, as I'm sure there were lots of guys around who wanted to date her.  I can't blame her for that, but it did hurt me deeply that I was without her and that she could think of me as disposable.  I thought of her as my best friend as well as my girlfriend, so it was quite a loss for me.  I guess that's when my panty and lingerie obsession started or blossomed I should say.  I began to buy and even wear panties.  The materials felt so good on my cock.  I started having intense marathon jack off sessions lasting hours and hours.  I longed for alone time when no one would bother or interrupt me and I could spend time in my panties, pleasuring myself.  I would edge myself to the brink of orgasm time and time again, hour after hour.  My cock would twitch and jerk as it tried cumming, maybe a small spurt or some precum would get out, but not until I was dog tired and had to surrender to the clock did I allow myself to cum.  The orgasms were pure bliss, intense, blinding and during my sessions, I didn't have a care or problem in the world, there was only the intense pleasure enveloping my body and insulating my brain from anything but physical pleasure.

I've dated different women after that of course.  None of them really did it for me fully though.  I started to figure out if things would work out between us early on and quickly.  Maybe it was just me being afraid to take a chance on someone, but I seldom felt much spark for these girls, and I've never allowed myself to open up to any of them.  I wouldn't play games, they always knew where I stood with them.  Once in a while I would hit it off with someone, but usually those girls were in committed relationships or married so those had little chance of going anywhere.  I find married women to be easiest to talk to as they tend to be more relaxed and open minded as they don't seem to have an agenda as much as a single girl would.  Again perhaps this was my way of keeping myself single.  Of course being an intensely shy person hasn't helped me much either.  It's become rarer for me to reach out to women as I've grown used to being on my own.  My friend's wives and GF's at some point always seem to ask me why I'm not married or have a steady GF.  I really don't have an answer for them.

So, that's my history more or less.  There's more to it and I'm sure I forgot to put some stuff in, but those are the bullet points, milestones, if you will.  It's funny to think that you out there now know more about my sexual history than any person who actually knows me.  Maybe you are the ones who really know me and not the other way around.  I hope you can still respect me after all that you've read.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing that. To be brutally honest I was wondering about some things and I was nice to read about your earlier life.
I agree with you that it can feel very much like the people who don't really know you know you actually know you almost better than the people who know you you. I feel that way as well.
Have a good night.

badside said...

Funny how that is, isn't it? Sometimes it's easier to share with people who don't know you. Glad if this cleared up any questions you may have had about me.

Pantymaven said...

You, and the other readers of my blog, know FAR more about me (and my wife) than ANY person, living or dead. When I started it was more of an exercise to see if my memory still worked. I truly amaze myself with what I've been able to dredge up. And, as you stated so well, it is far easier to share with people you don't know (and can't see). After reading your post I got to thinking about how complex we humans are. It also raises the question of just how well do we know ourselves...

Anonymous said...

Did you cut and paste this from my blog? Very similar paths indeed. Is that just the human condition, or just those of us who wind up beating-off in heels?

badside said...

PM: I'm always amazed at how much you can remember about your past. I better start with the memory exercises myself, keep the rust off!

JamieLin: LOL! I bet there are a lot more of us out there; men who don't allow themselves to explore that part of themselves for fear that they'll find out they enjoy wearing lingerie or worse they're gay. Poor them, they're missing out.

fred said...

I can relate to the part about being nervous about posting. I too find that I have to force myself to write down some of the things I find embarrassing.

The part that made me stroke the fastest was when you talked about your girlfriend occasionally letting you have her panties.

badside said...

Fred, I loved it when she'd give me her used panties. I'd put them under my pillow so I could smell her cunt before I went to sleep and when I woke up. Great way to start and end the day!